Wedding School - Part 1

Where do I start with this. Never before have I looked into such a vast ocean of material that deserved its own blog space, but alas I am lazy and will only gloss over the highlights. What follows is a brief history of the origins of Wedding School. While not an eyewitness account per se, it remains a viable and completely accurate account of events...trust me.

One day, not so long ago, there was a huddle going in St Peter's in the Vatican.

The Pope: "Y'know guys there are way too many people gettin hitched and then splittin up. We gotta get a handle on this shit-any suggestions?"

Pope Henchman 1: "Ooh Ooh make everyone be celibate! No more sex equals no more bad"

Altar Boy in Corner: "Dammit"

Pope: "No No No we have to have marriage and sex or else we would run out of Catholics then I would have to find a job that would undoubtedly make me wear pants every day...that's unacceptable"

Henchman 2: "How about we simply round up those asking for divorces and reeducate them via torture on the virtues of marriage. You pull out one or two fingernails and that old hag at home sure starts looking alot better than you remember"

Pope: "Seriously who are you? We stopped reeducation years ago and besides pulling fingernails is soooo Muslim-I think the church is fine with the old fiery stake. Anybody else?....Anybody?"

Henchman 3: "I've got an idea....and it might be just crazy enough to work."

Pope: "Yes , Yes what is it man!"

Henchman 3: "First we create a class at church, but not just any class. It must be very long and tedious."

Pope: "Ok I'm listening"

Henchman 3: "Then we will make them sing campfire songs, make them listen to long incoherent ramblings about metaphorical sex and marrying the church, make them write down answers in journals to questions like 'how does life make you feel', and make the room either so hot or cold they won't be able to stand it"

Pope: "That sounds fantastic....lets get star--"

Henchman 3: "No wait, there's more"

Pope: "Hells yes! what else you got?"

Henchman 3: "Ok then we get our priests to get up and give them a good and proper sex talk"

Pope: "Ummm well the priests don't have sex so would they really be the right guys to be giving that talk?"

Henchman 3: "Shut your damn piehole till I'm finished. We let the priest talk, but then we bring in an actual couple to give what the priest was talking about street cred."

Pope: "Ahh I got ya"

Henchman 3: "I bet you do smart guy. Anyways, the couple stands up and talks about how awesome it is to do it without a condom and that it actually brings them closer together because with all the damn kids they got runnin around they don't have time to hate each other."

Pope: "Well slap me and call me Johnny P-that's genius!"

Henchman 3: "Oh wait there's one final touch-the coup de grace. We make these silly bastards pay for this class"

Pope: "So you're telling me we can make a class that encourages Marvin Gaye levels of baby making, gives us an avenue to throw more guilt on our people to keep them firmly in our clutches, is so damn long and arduous that only the most dedicated couples will make it through thereby making it look like we are cutting down on the divorce rate in our official stats, and fills my pocket at the same time? "

Henchman 3: "Do you keep fried chicken in that box you wear on your head?"

Pope: "You damn skippy I do. I now pronounce you Cardinal of Luxembourg and give you Henchman 1's alter boy-go forth sir Cardinal and create these classes. We will destroy divorce once and for all....and I can finally get some new rims for the Popemobile"

Cardinal 3: "Your wish is my command...hey alter boy! Get your sweet ass over here-big poppa and you gonna take a ride to da Lux!"

....And thus the wedding class was born.

Next time I will delve into the fun and exciting world of NFP. Until then, pray I don't get struck by lightning on my way home.



PS. I am quite religious and like the Catholic Church. However, like any organized religion its our duty to keep them on their toes. So if you've wandered here accidentally and are ready to get the righteous torches and summon the villagers I advise you to look up Luke 6:42.