This might be a dumb question but...

What the hell is going on with Tea Parties? I try to stay clear of politics in pretty much all aspects of my life. I believe what I believe and the sum of my beliefs never really seem to fit one party or the other. That being said...

I turn on the TV and I see all these Republicans protesting...something. I hear them protest the bailouts-which I can understand. I hear them protest socialism-starting to lose me a bit. I hear them protest taxes-ok what the hell?

The bailouts are a tricky situation that I am torn on. The uncertainty surrounding these finance giants was killing wall street and thereby killing a great many retirement funds, college funds, nest eggs, etc... However, they were failing because they were reckless as hell which is their own damn fault regardless of whom happened to be in the white house or congress. All I know is my meager holdings in the market went from meager to laughable in about 3 months. Now, they are only worth a gentle chuckle which is up from belly laugh. Thank you bailout. I think a protest of bailouts is justified, but don't go signing me up for a spot in the picket line.

Socialism? Come on. Quit living in hyperbole land. I mean how dare the government try to stave off total financial collapse. Why do I get the feeling that to most of these folks believe communism = socialism? Do you really believe the next step is some sort of worker's revolution? Do you think the KGB is listening? (Actually the CIA probably is listening-at least they won't make you disappear in the middle of the night...I think) We have some elements of socialism in governmental programs, but we are nowhere near being a socialist state and never will be. Don't worry we have many many more years of not giving a shit about anyone but ourselves and those exactly like us ahead.

Taxes? This one kills me the most. I guaran-damn-tee that more than 3/4 of the people protesting about taxes just got a damn tax cut. I have no F*#@&ing clue what these people are thinking. Baffled. Its not a class war thing-I'm all for rich cats staying rich, but hell, is it that catastrophic for schmoes like me to get a tax break once every 2 decades?

I get it guys. For the first time in over a decade, you are feeling a bit marginalized since the entire country just voted against everything you stand for-I totally get the frustration. However, instead of getting up off of the mat and just throwing blind haymakers with your eyes closed, why don't you try a few jabs and probe for something a little more substantial to build your message on. These ignorant protests of something, anything, combined with the total and utter dumbassery of southern governors refusing federal funds for their collection of poorest states in the union, sure doesn't paint a promising picture for the future of the right.

I think my feelings on this can be most adequately expressed by a quote from my good friend and well known Political pundit, Clark Griswold: "Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

Quick update on paintgate 09

The room has been painted. My thoughts would be best expressed with a haiku



Bedroom painted white-
started in winter, stopped in spring.
damn it...

Ok so its not a technically sound haiku but you get the point. Painting that room was about as cool as a bucket of AIDS.

What!? Where!? Who?!

You ever have a day where you just can't remember a damn thing and all the tasks you need to be going about are total surprises? That would be me today. I'm tired as hell, I can't think straight, and things I never forget are creeping up on me. I better double check the ole fly today before I step out of the bathroom. Luckily, I am pretty good at just faking my way through those situations where you have no idea what is going on and you are just listening to all those around you trying to glean any sliver of info that might jog your foggy brain to some semblance of cohesion. Its easy, here's how:

1. Control your eyes-no widening or squinting. Maintain a cool medium and pretend you are listening to something really thought provoking. Don't overdo it though. Too much thought provoking leads to furrowed brows and then you start to look like Will Ferrell impersonating W. You can also use a hand motion here-I usually place my fore finger and thumb on the top and bottom of my chin to make it look like I am pondering the fate of the universe. Be careful with the hands though-too much thought in your hand movements tends to make you look like a confused mime and nobody likes those bastards.
   
2. Everything you say should sound like a question. Not the I'm a dumbass question, but more of the "I need some clarification" question. It makes it sound like the hamster in your head is flying on its wheel and you are really doing some critical thinking.
3. When you have pushed this routine as far as you think you can go without actually revealing you know nothing cut the encounter short by saying you will need to consult with your superiors or say you need a bit more time to go over all of facts and figures. If you have no time to do this, ask the person you are talking with what they recommend be done-then go through the thinking charade-and say you think that sounds like a good plan. This is risky because if it is not a good plan its your ass, but because you had the opinion of another you can deflect some of the blame.
4. This is the most important one-always be 100 percent committed to whatever act you are putting on. If you believe, no matter how outrageous, you can make them believe too.

There it is folks-the Dirt Farmers guide to meeting people and bullshitting them. It has served me well for many years and I hope it can do the same for you. I would recommend actually trying to remember stuff and doing your research, but lets be honest-if we took the time to do all that, when the hell would we play on facebook?

This Just in: paintin' is the devil

EQUALS

If you ever move into a house that has a terrible paint job and you negotiate for the seller to have said paint job fixed-DO NOT screw that free paint job up. Trying to paint a dark blue room white sucks. alot. seriously.

The wife and I move on to day three of our combat with the room that cannot be painted and we have no end in site. I have paint on me in weird places that I can't wash off (no not there!), my neck hurts from all the weird angles I have to force my self into in order to actually paint the upper portion of the room, and the bottom of my feet hurt from climbing a metal ladder over and over in bare feet. OK, so the last one could have been avoided-I'm from Mississippi gimme a break! Moral of the story: if you have a normal sized room with normal ceilings that is either unpainted or something really neutral-by all means tackle that baby yourself. If you have a trapezoidal room with gigantor ceilings (pronounced Jeye-gan-tore) and nifty cutouts between the wall and ceiling that give the room "character" do yourself a favor-pony up the cash and watch someone else do it. It'll save your soul.

And now-almost 5 months later

I haven't written here in damn near half a year, but I've been kinda busy. Brief Recap:

Thanksgiving was spent in a driving rain storm watching my team get their ass handed to them in football by their biggest rivals

Christmas was spent at Epcot and highlighted by a gut busting buffet in Germany. I think the Germans may be on to something-everything does taste better when it has sausage in it and is washed down by mass quantities of beer.

Turned 29 in January...still have a deathgrip on my youth despite what the numbers say.

Oh yeah, got married too. Weddings are an odd mixture of relief and joy and I haven't really figured out which emotion ruled the day. It was fun, it went by incredibly fast, and speaking for myself and MDF-we were soooo glad it was over. Hitting the road to the Bahamas the next day was one of the more relaxing experiences I can recall. The problem is, you are so stressed after all the wedding junk that once you actually do get a chance to catch your breath you are just tired as hell. Lots of sleeping on the honymoon (although that might have a little something to do with the gallons of alcohol consumed.) Gotta say though, the week after returning from the Bahamas was probably one of my more worthless weeks ever in the history of my professional career.

So what now?

The wedding has been our project since last April and now that its gone we feel a bit restless. The wife and I, by nature, are planners and organizers, but now we don't really have a project. Hell last night we drove around looking at Real Estate just for shits and giggles. We have a lovely house and a lovely mortgage to pay, but we can't help ourselves from planning 3 or 4 years ahead. Maybe by then the real estate market will have corrected itself a bit and we can sell the house without getting depantsed.

I guess the next great project for us is going to the biggest project in most peoples lives. Yes-the big K word. Still a ways away, but the fact that we are driving around the ballpark looking for parking before walking into that ballgame is crazy-CRAZY. I mean, I am only a couple years removed from getting black out drunk on whiskey and waking up on a public bench then stumbling home. (That only happened once!) Pretty sure that type of behavior is frowned upon by the parenting guild. Regardless, the next couple of years ahead are both scary and exhilirating at the same time. I just hope I don't screw it all up.

As for the blog I think I am going to try a little less at it. I know, I know, "you haven't written a damn word since October-how can you try any less." Well thats not what I mean asshats. I mean I am going to try and keep the entries short and sweet. A quip here, and bitch there-that sort of thing. I am not yet prepared to declare this blog dead, but it is on life support. I plan on nuturing it with some crackers and jello for a while.

Thats all for now-see you in another 6 months or so.

Happy Birthday!

We like to make fun of her Jeter fetish, she probably has a red wine IV in her apartment somewhere, she would make a great little Jewish gal is she wasn't a Catholic Italian, and you better not touch her damn car seat....yes folks its our favorite Future sis in law! We here at the dirt farm (FMDF and myself) would like to take this opportunity to wish Jbell a happy happy birthday. We wish you luck as you embark into your 30's and as a celebration of that milestone we present a mini-concert below...

Ode To Joy: The Muppet Show | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Public Service Announcement for my Future Inlaws

I think it would be irresponsible of me to let this story go by the wayside. As part of my ongoing investigation into how Jeter can suck so badly yet still be the object of affection for my future Sis in Law I stumbled across this beauty of an article.

Jeter: Shortstop...member of Blue Oyster Cult...damn right ladies-he's burnin for you

That should about wrap it up. Combined with my previous masterful detective work I'd say this just about rests my case.

Matlock the (ex)Dirtfarmer 1 Derek Jeter 0