Howdy from the farm dear readers...or reader I should say. The future Mrs. Dirt Farmer and I recently moved and it took a while for this internet thing to get up and running. However, I am back in business and eager to bring you tales from the Dirt Farm once again. I don't really have anything in particular to opine on so I'll throw a bunch of junk out there and see what sticks.
- Tomorrow is opening day on my particular dirt farm and sure enough that means it is now going to rain its collective 'nads off. Perhaps I should have listened when future Mrs Dirt Farmer told me she was hearing voices about building a big boat. I have enjoyed all the wild life in the back yard though.
- Lunar eclipse=overrated. I got a crick in my neck from looking up and waiting for something, anything to happen. Apparently all you get is a reddish crescent moon. I don't exactly what I was expecting, but it sure wasn't a pain in the neck.
- Today on the drive in to work I managed to see both of my favorite species of driver. Unfortunately these breeds are not endangered and apparently breed like mice in the viagra factory. 1st species-the Assclown. There are actually two different types of this guy. One is the redneck with the giant-ass-loud-for-no-reason-big-stupid-tires-git-r-done-stickers-on-the-back-compensating big time-truck. Closely related is is his brother, or bro as he would undoubtedly like to be called, driving the 1992 Japanese hatchback with a racing paint job and a giant muffler to make his go cart sound fast. Why do these guys suck? Well aside from obviously being total D-bags and proclaiming it to the world via their automobiles, they are the the ones who 1) always try and race you coming off of a stoplight 2) make it impossible to hear your own radio because they are blasting Creed or some other lame shite 3)Believe firmly in the principle that turn signals are more guideline than rule and prefer to simply nudge you out of your lane in order to signify their lane change. Needless to say, I despise the Assclown and all he stands for. Maybe we can work out a way to ship them to Canada or something. 2nd species-The Pirate Hooker. Although I do not despise the Pirate Hooker as much as the Assclown, they are nevertheless just as dangerous on the road. Some girls are masters of the putting on makeup while driving practice. Future Mrs Dirt Farmer has a black belt in it. However, some ladies cannot handle it, talking on the phone or any other task in the car besides driving. See a BMW veering into you or have you sat at a green light beyond what could be considered a reasonable amount of time. Chances are you have found yourself a Pirate Hooker. Why are they called Pirate Hookers? No clue. Because I like Pirates and the inch of makeup makes them look like a hooker? Perhaps. Because its the first thing that came to mind, aside from an f'bomb, the first time one almost hit me? More than likely. Now everyone who drives a truck isn't an assclown, and all women that multi-task while driving aren't pirate hookers-but observing them from afar can guarantee a safer drive and give you someone to mentally make fun of while you try not to fall asleep at the wheel driving to work.
I think thats enough knowledge to drop in one sitting, but now that the cable company has performed their witchcraft and made this ribbonless typewriter work again I will try to be more diligent in keeping you abreast of the goings on of my dirt farm. Until then, adios you bunch of clown hookers.
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